We are the Snyder family and ... we are different

This is the story of our journey to our daughter in Ethiopia. God is preparing our family for her and preparing her heart to come home to her family. We chose the difficult road of trusting and obeying God. It is worth every step!

Monday, August 30, 2010

processing

If you have been following my blog you know that I am a control freak who can be completely obsessive compulsive about things. All good qualities I know, lol. Anyway, in light of the recent news about Rwanda adoption processes my anal retentive ways have kicked themselves into high gear seeking out other options. Now the problem with this is that I am not trusting God and trusting what He is telling me. I am try to know more than God. We all know that never works because we never know more than Him and then when bad things happen we wonder why. So today I have really been taking a backseat to my emotions and to my natural bent and trying to slow down with this whole adoption thing. Dustin and I had a nice little talk that really has confirmed what God has been telling me recently. Sometimes I can't tell if it is God or if it is just me thinking it's God and using it to my own will so I wasn't sure. We are meant to go on a mission trip to Rwanda, not to adopt from there. We are definitely meant to adopt. Last night I awoke with a feeling that if we try DRC (congo) that we will fail because there is a third place God has in place for us. I don't know if it's out of fear about DRC, adoptions are still very new to that country and I don't want to get hurt again and neither does Dustin. Today Dustin said he felt like we're led to take a mission somewhere in Africa while we wait and that he didn't want to rush into DRC.

I have always struggled with letting go and letting God. Every time I finally let go, and I mean REALLY let go, God blesses me with what I need. This is no different. I just tonight was finally able to say to Him that this whole situation is His and I can't do it. His will be done no matter what. I knew I had really let it go because that sense of calm and peace washes over me that I certainly don't have when I'm clenching onto things. Now the hardest part is to just wait. My heart is broken for this little girl that I thought was ours. We are grieving this loss and I know other people won't understand it, unless you've adopted or if you've ever had a miscarriage. It's a loss of something that you never really had, of a person you never got to know, but it is very real.

So far now I would not consider us in the adoption process any longer.

5 comments:

schrecengostfamily said...

Oh Megan...my heart aches & I mourn for your loss and yet I find my soul rejoicing in your freedom....in your trust in our heavenly father's provision for your family. I am thrilled that we both began this journey and that we have been blessed by uniting across the many miles all because of it. Neither of us is where we thought we'd be in this moment yet we are exactly where we are supposed to be according to HIS pleasure and will.

I am proud of you for letting go & letting God...I too struggle with this facet of faith. I continue to lift your family and your journey in prayer. God bless you my friend!

Kelli said...

My heart is breaking too. Praying for you.

My house has been crying too.

Wish I could cry with you...

kelli

Mel said...

I'm so sorry that you are in this moment Megan. Know that I am praying for God to comfort you and give you the peace that only He can. He is holding your little girl close to Him, and she will be yours when He is ready. God loves you, and He will continue to love you.

foxynkids2002 said...

Megan i am praying for u and ur family. i do know how this feels and i am so sorry that u have 2 go through it cuz it is heatwrenching. eric and i tried again and again 2 have a babay and everytime we got pregnant we lost that child. we ended up losing 3 babies through the process. i know how it feels 2 want a child so baby and then 2 lose it. finally when i let go and let god take over and we quit trying to have a baby i went in for a regular check and all of a sudden we were pregnant. as u know Gabe is a wonderful healthy little boy and i feel so blessed 2 have him. so God does hear u and feel ur pain and he is there for u no matter what. God only gives us what we can handle nothing more nothing less. i will leave u w/ this Through God all things ARE possible.

Jen said...

I, too, am rejoicing in the freedom you have, being filled with God's peace and calm. Praise the Lord.